wow, its been awhile since the last time i blogged.
alot of things have happened; some wonderful, some unfortunate, and some that i just can't categorize. all i know is that i've changed. i don't know if its for the better, but i hope so. i've actually been pretty happy lately or at least i think so. no, actually i'm pretty confused. my emotions are all over the place especially because today is a very significant day to me. today is/would have been my lolo's 81st bday. i thought i've gotten better, but it hurts all the same. when i think back, my heart hurts. i've never experienced getting my heart broken by a guy, but when it was my lolo'a funeral i swear i could feel my heart breaking. oh gosh, i would never want to wish for anyone to go through that.
the house is quiet again, just like a few months ago. i hate this silence. honestly, i feel pretty lonely. i haven't been able to sleep properly lately, and i keep having nightmares. deep down, i'm scared to sleep. i'm scared that when i wake up the next day, i'm going to lose someone i love again. my lolo's passing made a pretty big impact on me. and when people ask if i'm okay, i force a smile and tell them that i'm fine, but that's clearly not true. i don't want others to see me break down and cry to the point where i can't breathe. i'm stubborn and so i tell myself to deal with it on my own. and for the most part i've gotten use to concealing that weak side of myself from others.
moving on is always hard. some days are harder than others, just like how today is.
in memory for my lolo, i'd just like to dedicate a few lines from passion's song "well done". the lyrics to this song, completely sum up how i feel:
Sometimes I dont understand Why I thought that I had All the time in the world To go and see you awhile For just a little while. Too caught up in my own life I didn't see the pain you hid with a smile And now you're not here with me Shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time Cus maybe then I'd be here by your side Wish that I had done just a little more Wish that I could see you one more time But I know that God holds your life Your battle is finally won and he said well done My faithful servent well donerest in peace lolo, mahal na mahal kita.
