wow, its been awhile since the last time i blogged.
alot of things have happened; some wonderful, some unfortunate, and some that i just can't categorize. all i know is that i've changed. i don't know if its for the better, but i hope so. i've actually been pretty happy lately or at least i think so. no, actually i'm pretty confused. my emotions are all over the place especially because today is a very significant day to me. today is/would have been my lolo's 81st bday. i thought i've gotten better, but it hurts all the same. when i think back, my heart hurts. i've never experienced getting my heart broken by a guy, but when it was my lolo'a funeral i swear i could feel my heart breaking. oh gosh, i would never want to wish for anyone to go through that.

the house is quiet again, just like a few months ago. i hate this silence. honestly, i feel pretty lonely. i haven't been able to sleep properly lately, and i keep having nightmares. deep down, i'm scared to sleep. i'm scared that when i wake up the next day, i'm going to lose someone i love again. my lolo's passing made a pretty big impact on me. and when people ask if i'm okay, i force a smile and tell them that i'm fine, but that's clearly not true. i don't want others to see me break down and cry to the point where i can't breathe. i'm stubborn and so i tell myself to deal with it on my own. and for the most part i've gotten use to concealing that weak side of myself from others.

moving on is always hard. some days are harder than others, just like how today is.
in memory for my lolo, i'd just like to dedicate a few lines from passion's song "well done". the lyrics to this song, completely sum up how i feel:

Sometimes I dont understand
Why I thought that I had
All the time in the world
To go and see you awhile
For just a little while.

Too caught up in my own life
I didn't see the pain you hid with a smile
And now you're not here with me
Shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright

Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then I'd be here by your side
Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won and he said well done
My faithful servent well done

rest in peace lolo, mahal na mahal kita.

so i started my morning crying after having a dream about my lolo. I use to just dream of my lola who passed away before, but i was still young and i was closer to my lolo. My dream about my lolo was so real. he was there, my lola was there, my parents, titas, titos and cousins were there too, it was like how things normally were. the last time i dreamt of him was the night before we got the phone call from the philippines. my family said it was his way of saying goodbye to me, after that i just did not sleep for how many nights. i just wish i had more time with him. i wish i could have been by his side in the hospital, as sad as it still would have been to see him so sick. i've tried to get rid of those feelings and all those sad memories during that time, but that dream just made me relive it all again. I told my parents like usual, i mean its nothing unusual anymore. I had a dream about my lola and i'm thinking my other lolo (i've never met him) when i was in the philippines, and it was like they were telling me to visit them in the cemetary, so that next day i went with my daddy, uncle and brother. After this recent dream, i went to church with my mommy and darryl. Having those dreams are so bitter sweet to me. I like that i still feel connected to them even though i can't really be with them, but then that's why its so sad. My dreams about them won't come true, they're not with me anymore. So all i can do is pray. and when i pray, i feel better after realizing that my lolos and my lola aren't suffering anymore. It's still hard talking about them so yeah...

Anyways, thank goodness i had a field trip today. I so would not have been able to focus in school. I was texting clarisse, phia, nicole and ernest throughout the trip :) I wish they went to the zoo with me too, that would have been even more fun! but anyways so I convinced Zarrah to research the arctic wolf like me cus i didn't want to go by myself ahaha. It was so traffic we only had 2 hours at the zoo, so me and zarrah were running and it was raining all day. But it just drizzling; so it was kinda nice walking in the rain lol. and even though we were researching the wolves, we took lots of pics of the polar bears and the snow leopard =p omgsh..the baby snow leopards-kota & tiga are soo cute! i really want them, i've told so many ppl that but *imitates little girl* ..whatevaa! ahaha oh yeah i remember on the bus ride i was playing "cooking mama" on zarrah's itouch-love that game lol. and there was one stage where you had to flip something, and i was panicking asking how to do it, but there wasn't enough time to ask..and i ended up actually tossing zarrah's itouch in the air! omgshhh my heart stopped! ...thank goodness i caught it. lmfaoo we were dying after that, and i was close to dying if i didn't catch it ahah. When we came back to school, me, zarrah, ate gail, grace, gaby and jason took pictures by the stairwell. not such a good idea, cus all these random ppl kept walking through =p

After school, me and clarisse went to nicole's (: something funny always happens with us. today's funny story was when we were passing a driveway, there was a van and on the van was a loose cat. and nicole was walking close to it, when i noticed the cat i immediately just blurted out "What is THAT?!" really loudly, and Nicole screamed sooo loud and ran to the main street! ahahah Her and clarisse were both really scared. I didn't mean to scare them, lmaooooo but their reactions were sooo hilarious! ahahahah just thinking about it makes me laugh. They had to literally stop for a minute to resume breathing again. lol at nicole's we wanted to watch glee, but her tv was malfunctioning lol of course we ate (that's always a given ahah) and we also talked about our debuts! tehe i asked my parents to finally make up their minds, and they said they'll give me one (: I hope they know how important that is to me. i've never had a big bday, and a debut is like every little filipino girls dream other than their wedding =p I don't want to get too excited, actually no its too late, i can't help myself ahah. I just hope it all works out *crosses fingers*

ciao.

ahah oh man i'm glad i got to go out with some of my biffels today <3 this week has been a bit rough at home, but things have gotten better and my friends always put a huge smile on my face :) even though it was raining all day, rain can't stop me from having fun! lol i've been tres hyper all night! Let's see i was late to my orthodontist appointment, and my stomach was grumbling sooo much, if it wasn't for those cleaning devices that make the "zzzhhh" sound (hopefully you know what i mean ahah) my doctor wouldn't been like what is that noise. =p So after we were done, i made my parents take us out to eat. Since i was gonna meet up with clarisse, phia & ernest at square we went to eat at noodle wok cus it was close. When i got to square, i thought clarisse and phia would be there but nooo. good thing ernest was already there, cus i was by my lonesome. =p we literally passed by each other though outside coles. But i made him come back. ahah as we waited for those two silly billies to come we went to champs, pj's pet store...seeing the spider made us both scared lol, the disney store! :), walters etc... and finally we received a phone call from...clarisse, saying they were here! lol we met up at the apple store, and we took pictures like always. i look so very attractive in some of them ahahah the ones with me and my disfigured face. me and clarisse had to withdraw some money though, so we went to the bank. lol i never withdrew money from the teller until today. lol, i decided on withdrawing $10! ahah i'm soo cheap. yeah and the teller person was quite amused with me lol after that, me and clarisse went back to apple to find that ernest and phia weren't there anymore. Since there's the sale and fcuk going on, clarisse's predictions that they were there was correct. Something to know about me...i love sales! so of course i ended up buying something lol =p i bought a blue sweater..so pretty! some credit to ms. phia pham for convincing me haha. i always buy something with her that i usually wouldn't, but i love it. lol anyways so we decided to go to BR to get me and clarisse's bubble teas...yum! we got our favourite taro chillers. usually we get big tapioca balls but this time we got small. and i made a funny comment about that later lol. After that we went to pho and we chilled for like an hour and a half there. then ernest's dad dropped us off to clarisse's. me and phia stayed with her cuss she was home alone. ahaha fun convos and what not always happen b/w us. then me and clarisse were literally up on our feet and dancing around her room to glee mash ups...especially halo/walking on sunshine! ahahah good times. now my dad is outside to pick me up...so i shall go before i get in trouble. lol cial :)

haha so i had a happy morning compared to my usual grumpy mornings. i had a very surreal dream where i was at fearfest, which i will be at this friday. it felt so real that i thought it already happened. so then my phone starts ringing and when i answer it, it was phia! <3 i remember asking her what today was, and when she said it was tuesday i was like wth?! lol goodness, for the past few days i haven't got much sleep since my weekend was spent staying up till 4 am since certain ppl could not sleep after watching paranormal then i'd have to work in the morning! ahah but those convos were fun, so its all good. but yeah the phone call from phia got me in a good mood to start the day :). and i was early to get to clarisse's which is always a surprise. when i got to her house, i noticed that she had NO steps to her door! (because they're fixing the exterior of their house, not cus her house was built wrong or something lol) but yeah so i felt like an idiot and loner and so i frantically kept texting her to come out. people around her house must of thought i was a stalker, but anyways she finally came out with jared, her mom(tita), and her lola. so then off we went to school. me and jared took pictures in the car. there was one of our hands and he said we were both yellow!..woo, were so asian =) skip to the end of school =p i went to our yfc meeting, it was shorter than intended but still fun. we played "honey i love you", and those who know me, know that i SUCK at that game! So when they said we were playing that game, i panicked at first, because i always end up smiling...but today i was good! lol i didn't smile! i was proud of myself haha. then we played pulse and it was tres funny. my brother was soo funny, he ended grabbing both our team's and the other team's object (wallet) and you're only suppose grab the one from your team. when we told him that he just threw the other teams wallet lol you had to be there. =p and i won my round against jason...i'm so fast lol. then my mommy and daddy picked us up from school. they were excited for later because its our awards ceremony today.

when i got home after eating of course =p i immediately went to watch my drama "you're beautiful" w/ jang geun seok (mmmhh =p) that drama is just too cute and funny! plus it doesn't hurt that all the main boys in that drama are easy on the eyes! ahahah so then after the newest episode i took a nice nap, which was unfortunately disturbed by my dad, cuss it was close to awards ceremony time. when i got there, i looked for clarisse right away and i found her! yay me! we were surrounded by youngins (eww lol) ooh then we spotted krizia and jim, so we moved and sat with them. and jim was all sweaty lol saying krizia made him walk too fast or whatever; you'd think he'd be more in shape since he's such a good athlete =p i was soo hyper throughout the ceremony. i had to wait til like the end for my award, so i kept making all these silly remarks in the beginning. oooh but these youngins behind us were so unnecessary! geez, i like temporary lost hearing in my right ear from their high pitched screams. me and clarisse were ready to knock them out. lol yeah so me, clarisse, krizia and jim cheered for ourselves :) it was funny when jim was the only one in his group to get his award ahah then it was finally my turn. my english teacher this sem was calling out the names...lol he seemed so surprise that i got a 90 avg, cus i'm so quiet and all i do is doodle in my agenda or text in that class, which is the only class i have signal in lol. or maybe he was proud, but yeah and my parents were soo cute! they brought the camera and tried to take a picture of me on stage but apparently some guy in front of them blocked their view. after the ceremony was done we all got separated, but then i found clarisse again in the forum when i was by the refreshment table, helping myself to some brownies..yum. both our families were congratulating each other, too cute :) and my brother didn't get an award this year, but he mentioned how he helped bake a lot of the desserts for the ceremony and was proud of that haha. my parents brought us to eat at swiss chalet, we ended up being the last customers of the night! ooh then in the parking lot i was walking away from where our car was, and my family was like "where are you going!?!" lol i don't know why i did that but then i got to drive home. all in all, today was a good day :) ciao.

When you think of going to a library you might think "ew, how boring" etc... For me i love the library, because yes i am a nerd. Books are awesome. lol What's even better than going to the library by myself, is going with my best friends! Anywhere i go with them, i always end up smiling and laughing till my stomach hurts. So we planned that we would go the Mississauga Library right by City Hall. City Hall holds a great meaning to me and my best friends-for good and not so good reasons =p Me, Clarisse and Nicole briefly stayed at the YFC meeting at our school. Then, we left around 10 to three, to catch the bus to shoppers. Usually the bus comes around 3 so we assumed we had enough time to catch the bus. Man, did we calculate wrong! lol We were like 6 houses away when the bus was approaching the bus stop. So we all panicked and ran as fast as we could! It was so funny. Last time, i joked that the bus was coming and nicole and clarisse starting running only to see it was just a gargabe truck! ahahah, man i crack myself up. i love those two! <3

Yeah, so skip forward to being at the library. Finding a place to sit down was a mission and a half! Me and Ernest used our leg power and walked up and down the floors, while Clarisse and Nicole had fun riding the elevator...lazy bums! ahah, i remember looking at the elevators and seeing those those smiling and waving like people high on life-from the words of Soda Pop. We eventually got a table by just sitting with some middle aged asian man. He was so kind to let us have the table to ourselves. I think he was chinese, so i say xie xie to him! =p ooh, yeah we were in the foreign languages section of the library. I love different languages, not relevant but yeah anyways we were pretty loud, hopefully the people around us didn't mind. We were drawing in mainly ernest's and clarisse's agendas. Then phia called; me and clarisse were struggling to find her. lol but yeah, then we all shared our stories and became even louder =p Then we went to square to of course eat! lol me and ernest had a cellphone picture war thing! tehe he doesn't know that i secretly duplicated a picture of him that i was "suppose" to delete. muhahaha i'm so sneaky! anyways, lets hope he doesn't read this. ahahah, i guess to say i win the war...K.O (knock out-lol clarisse!)

I was so proud of myself for actually getting work done. I usually procrastinate really bad. I usually sleep around 2 all the time, not a good habit. It's my senior year, and feel that i'm falling behind. Sure i've gotten pretty good grades in my earlier years, but now i feel like everything i do academic wise is just not good enough. I've received a few early warnings, and my grades don't seem good enough. On top of my mediocre grades, i have no idea what to do after high school. There's a lot of pressure to know what i want to study, and then where i want to go. I have this fear of not wanting to make mistakes, though i just naturally make them. Everything is happening so fast, i just want to slow things down and enjoy myself. I'm excited to try new things this year and to let myself go and be slightly daring and crazy for a change. lol I've convinced myself to try going to Fearfest. Honestly, i think i'm gonna pee my pants! lol Goodness, i still have a week and a half to see how mentally prepared i am. ahahah Well i think i've overwhelmed you- the reader with just lots of random things. I personally enjoyed myself, and that's all that counts. (: Till next time ciao.

Finally, i have my own personal blog. I've been hesitating on making my own one for several reasons. For one, i didn't know how to make a blog. lol so i got my best friends clarisse & phia to make me one. And i'm picky, so i'm glad they put up with me. I'm a very lucky girl indeed. (: Then, there was that hesitation to share my feelings and have them out in the open. I'm so use to keeping in alot of my emotions and feelings. Up till now, I thought that was how it was suppose to be. But lately, i've realized that plan isn't working so well. Plus, i've always had this i guess you can call it fear of letting others see my weaknesses etc... But whatever, with weaknesses there is also strength.

Anyways, i initally did not want to rant for at least my first entry, but i guess i'm not that lucky when in comes to family problems. Honestly...i don't know how it got to this point. There's that saying "blood is thicker than water"; i love my family so much, but slowly we keep fighting with each other. The worst fights happen with my brother. I honestly can't take it anymore. Everyday single day, no everytime were in the same room, he always has to start something with me. I don't understand why he always has the need to agitate me. He honestly loves to make me angry. What's worst is that when i'm sad, already stressed out or in trouble, he takes pleasure in those moments. I can see him grinning as if he feels i deserve to be unhappy. What kind of sibling relationship is that?! My parents keep telling us that we only have each other. I try to get along with him, but everytime i do he ends up insulting me or something. You'd think that him being the younger one, he'd have even just the slightest bit of respect for me, but he doesn't. He has no respect for me, or my parents. Its like he has no heart; no sympathy or compassion. Although if he wants something from you, he can be so two-faced that its scary. I use to fall for it all the time. I've always wanted to believe that my brother still has some emotion towards others, but i don't believe in that anymore. I've spent too many nights crying and praying that me and him would stop fighting, and get along with each other like old times. For now, i give up. The only way for me to keep my sanity is to be as heartless towards him as he is towards me. What a loving sister i am right?

...I didn't mean to rant, but as i said i don't want to let my troubles get to me. Therefore, let's end this entry on a happy or at least happier note. hmmm, i really love soy milk...thats sweetened. omgsh that stuff is so good! lol, i'm so random. Today was a good day though. Ate pizza and chicken wings (8 or 9)...i love food, especially chicken. lol Then i went to clarisse's, and phia came too! She came late because she had a job interview, which she got. congrats again =) As usual, we all laid on the bed; shared feelings; and watched youtube videos. We watched gabe bondoc (tehe <3) ; the reaction to the mtv awards for taylor swift-so jokes; micheal jackson music videos etc... Spending time with my best friends always makes me happy. But its getting late, so ciao for now. (: